Raging Fires Never Die
by xLizziexLupinx
Summary: My swing on what happened after 'The Incident' in fifth year with Snape. WARNING INSIDE PLEASE READ
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello all. First I want to say Happy New Year to everyone :) Secondly I want to say that it's ten to four in the morning here and so there may be some mistakes.**

**I'm suprised that I have actally wrote a fic like this. I don't usually delve into this subject, seeing as it's somewhat...sensitive to me. I don't know how I did or how it sounds so please review and tell me. **

**I don't know how many chapter there will be in this, but I also want to do one from James and Remus' point of view, so I don't know really. Maybe four? I can't tell you.**

**Warning: Contains mention and action of Self Harm, Alcohol Abuse and a slight hint of a homosexual relationship. If any of these subjects offend, causer triggers or upset you in any way please do not read, or if you do, at your own risk. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing which makes me extremely sad.**

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><p>The thunder rumbled, emitting a low growl through the black sky. Rain pelted the windows of the castle at such a force it seemed the glass would soon break. The wind was wild and ran through the empty corridors whistling and causing the whole castle to become cold and windswept.<p>

Everything was quiet, apart from the weather outside. Everyone was asleep in their dormitory's, all cuddled up in their blankets to keep warm through the night. The Gryffindor boy's dormitory was not as quiet as it should have been that late at night. The muffled sound of sobbing which came from behind a pair of shut scarlet curtains could be heard over the rain ever so slightly.

Sirius couldn't help himself. He had tried to hold in his tears all day and all through last night, yet they kept leaking out every so often. He remembered, when he was younger his mother had told him that crying was for the weak. Crying was not for people as upper class as he was. He had learned after that to not cry, at least not whilst anyone was around. It never did him any good. It had always gotten him into trouble when he was at home whenever he had cried in public and so Sirius had train himself to only let tears stream down his face (like they were now) when it was in the dead of night.

His so called 'mask' had fallen and behind the arrogant, confident, popular teenager was someone who was hurt, alone and scared. He was curled up in a ball, his covers wrapping him tightly in the middle of the four poster bed, his face in his pillow so to muffle the sound of his sobs. He would never admit it to anyone, not even James or Remus (for they seemed to hate him at the moment and with good reason), that at the moment he felt helpless. In all his life, Sirius had never felt more alone. He had never realised that the world around him was so big and open. That he was just one tiny person in the middle of what seemed like nothing. Nobody was around to pull him back up anymore; no one was there to keep him happy. He had no James to crack a joke even in the most serious of situations; he had no Peter no make stupid remarks which would send them into fits of laughter; he had no Remus to hold him when he had had a nightmare and tell him everything was going to be okay. He had none of that anymore because he had messed up, big time and to be honest, that scared him more than anything.

Sirius had always had someone by his side to help him when he fell. At first it had been Regulas. His younger brother and he had been extremely close once upon a time, always helping each other out of sticky situations. Then after Regulas it had been Andromeda. His favourite cousin had always been there to offer advice and comfort him, even if it was just by a letter. When he had started Hogwarts he had quickly become friends with James and from that moment on the Hogwarts Express, the two had stuck together like glue. Then along came Remus, in the background at first but soon coming out into the open. Remus had always been there for him. They had always told each other everything that they were feeling and thinking. Their deepest secrets came up because they knew neither would tell anyone else. They had shared their fears, hopes and desires, but now...that was all gone. All because of one stupid prank that had gone wrong.

It was all gone now, that layer of trust between the Marauders and it didn't look like it could be healed properly ever again. If Sirius had known that Snape would truly do what he said, he would never have retaliated. It had been hard not to. Snape had met Sirius in the Entrance Hall as Sirius was waiting for James to hurry up so they could go down to the Shack to be with Remus. He had started to taunt and tease the eldest Black about Remus and their relationship. With every word, Sirius' blood began to boil, but he kept his calm trying his hardest not to hex Snape's balls off! Then he had gone onto the subject of Remus' disappearances. This had made Sirius become rigid and he suspected that Snape knew about his condition. So Sirius had been stupid and retaliated, saying that he didn't know what was really going on and that he should go down to the Whomping Willow and find out. It had probably been the most stupidest thing he had ever done and that was saying something seeing as Sirius Black was probably the king of doing stupid things. That was what he thought anyway. Seconds later James had come down and it was only then that Sirius realised some of the seriousness of what he had done. Once he had told James everything, the bespectacled boy had punched him right in the face. Now Sirius held the bruise from mentioned punch. As James ran off he just stood there not knowing what to do.

Going after James should have been mandatory, but seeing as his 'best mate' had looked like he was going to kill him, he didn't think it would have been the best decision to follow him. So he set off in the opposite direction, running up the many flights of stairs in Hogwarts not knowing exactly where he was going. Sirius had ended up in the Astronomy Tower and had sunk to the cold floor. Pulling his knees up to his chest and stayed there all night. He was sure, if he strained to listen, he could hear faint howls coming off from the grounds. This was when a little more realisation occurred to him.

The talk with Moony was the hardest thing about it all. The disappointment and sadness in his voice make Sirius' heart break. He had caused this. He had caused Remus, the love of his life (although he didn't know that yet) to lose all the trust he had in him. He was a disappointment and he knew it. He was nothing but a cold, heartless Black; well that's what James had said to him. _Black by name, Black by nature._ For years he had thought he was different from them but he wasn't. He had only _wanted _to be different, but obviously that had never worked. He could never be different.

Promise's were something Sirius kept to the heart, and so he had promised Remus he would cause him no more pain. By doing this, Sirius had avoided the other three Marauders for the rest of the day, however tricky it was. He felt that if Remus rarely had to set eyes on him then he could cause him no more pain or suffering but seeing as they all shared a dormitory, it was much harder to avoid them at night unless he went to bed really early or really later, Sirius taking the first option.

And this was where he found himself. After such a terrible day he was crying his eyes out. There was nothing he could do to make the situation right. He had mucked everything up and he deserved all the punishment he got. He had been nearly expelled, something he now wanted, but instead he had been set a month's long detention. Sirius didn't mind though. The further away from Remus he was the better. After all these thoughts were whizzing round his head he began to fall into a state between being awake and asleep, breaking out into uneven sobs every now and then, hand shaking violently and feeling like he was going to be sick.

He didn't know that his two former best friends were awake, trying to ignore his constant sobbing.

James felt nothing towards him. Nothing at all.

Remus on the other hand had silent tears running down his face.

All because it seemed he had lost his best friend...

Xoxox

It was obvious was he had to do, Sirius thought in Transfiguration the next day. He had to let all the pain go. He had to find a way to let it all melt away. But how? How was he going to do it?

That was the question that was running through his head that lesson. He had his quill in his hand but was not writing anything. Staring at the quill for a few seconds, Sirius realised his hand was shaking. Trying to push this fact out of his mind, Sirius returned to his work. Now it wasn't that unusual to see Sirius working. Ever since the start of the year Moony had forced it into them that they had to do at least a bit of note taking in lessons, even if it was only the ones they liked. So Sirius had set out to show Moony that he could actually work hard. Now all of that had been for no real use but Sirius still found himself working hard. Maybe it was because focusing on the words made him momentarily forget that he wasn't sitting near any of the Marauders, in fact he was sitting on the other side of the room to them! Or maybe it was to block out the constant stares he was getting from his fellow classmates.

Many people had been surprised that Sirius sat alone at meal times and that he wasn't found hanging around with the rest of the Marauders at the moment. Okay they four boys had had their fights before but this one seemed... different to all the others and no one could put their finger on it. No one dared to go up and ask them about it though. Everyone knew that if it was a Marauder problem then to let them sort it out themselves and to not get involved.

As the lesson wore on Sirius found himself scratching at the skin on the back on his hand. The small amount of momentary pain seemed to calm something inside of him very briefly. Sirius looked closely at the now reddened skin which now showed up against his pale skin and tingled softly. He scratched a bit more at the red spot and felt another wave of brief pain run through his body. It wasn't enough to cause any long time damage but it felt...good in a way. Could this be the answer he had been looking for? It was defiantly something to relief pain. If only he could cause more to himself then just a few measly scratches...

Looking up and brushing his shaggy ebony hair out of his face, Sirius looked around the room. There was that empty seat next to him which was usually filled by Moony or Prongs, the table next to him housed two Ravenclaw's he didn't know the name of. His eyes scanned for the caramel coloured hair of one Remus Lupin. He was directly across the room from him, right in sight sitting next to James. Sirius had done this in all their lessons; sit as far away as possible from them. If they sat at the back then he would sit at the front. If they sat at one side he would take a seat at the other._' It was the only_ way' he thought to himself. _'The only way to make sure I don't hurt Moony again.' _

Xoxox

The lesson soon ended and Sirius took his time in packing his things away so he would not bump into any of his former friends. McGonagall had come up to him and asked him if everything was alright. She knew about the Snape incident, but still seemed to be concerned at how Sirius was taking it. He had given her a fake smile that was probably obvious and had told her he was fine, however McGonagall thought differently as she saw the boy leave the room seeing as he hadn't made a single joke about her and had actually gotten on with his work without making any distractions what so ever.

Lunch was right after Transfiguration but Sirius didn't feel hungry at all, something that even surprised him a little. Maybe it was the fact that he knew Remus, James and Peter there that made the thought of food less appealing and so he set off to the Gryffindor common room. He kept his head down, not saying a word to anyone apart from the occasional apology to someone he accidently walked into. He was in no mood to speak to anyone and just wanted to be left alone however, it seemed some people did not want it that way. Many of the Slytherins he passed sneered at him and purposely banged into his shoulder as hard as they possible could. Still Sirius didn't say anything to them. He didn't even glare at him. He didn't see the point anymore. What was the point of hexing someone if you had no one around to enjoy the fun with you?

Muttering the password to the common room, Sirius stepped through the portrait hole to an almost empty room. Still keeping his head down, he made his way up to the boy's dormitory where he dropped his bag onto his bed. Standing there in the middle of the room Sirius looked around. His part of the room was remarkably tidy for once, only being beaten by Remus' pristine bed. He started pacing the floor, thinking of some way he could just let all of those emotions out. He knew what he _had_ to do; it was just _how _to do it that was the problem. Looking around the room once more, Sirius tried to spot something that would help him.

Suddenly he rushed towards his bedside drawer and opened it. Inside were several possessions including a small pocket knife that his Uncle Alphard had given him for his birthday. It picked it up and lay it in the palm of his hand for several minutes watching as his hand shook again. Deciding that this was for the best, Sirius clenched the pocket knife in his hand and walked steadily over to the bathroom door. Inside he locked it with his wand and slide down the door until he hit the floor. He opened up the knife and saw how shiny the metal was. It didn't look that sharp, but Sirius had to remind himself, appearances could fool anyone. He was living proof of that. So pulling up the sleeve of his robes to reveal his bare arm, Sirius pressed the knife down onto his skin, closed his eyes and let the metal blade move from left to right.

Pain erupted silently through his body causing him to feel warm all of a sudden. It felt good to feel pain like that. In that moment several of his emotions seemed to 'disappear' into nothingness and to Sirius it felt good. Opening his eyes, he saw a fresh red cut on his wrist, yet even though little beads of blood had come to the surface, none had actually been spilt yet. A sudden bought of anger shot through him. He couldn't even cut himself properly! How stupid was he? Pressing the knife down again he did the same movement as before yet this time he pressed down harder. Blood rushed up quickly and started to spill out of the wound. More emotions disappeared, but instead were replaced by darker more terrifying ones that Sirius didn't understand about yet. He watched as the red from his blood travelled down his arm slow, creating a pathway down his pale skin. It looked whiter then it usually did against the red but Sirius didn't care.

After the anger came terror. Had he just done that to himself? Had he really given up that much to result to something like harming himself? He had never really given the thing a thought before, but now in a matter of hours he had thought about it, gone to do it and then done it! He had never known himself to act so quickly to something like this. It was so unlike him. What if Remus found out? Or James? Would they try to help him or ignore him even more if that were even possible? He didn't know and in that brief moment he was scared. So scared that he felt anger towards the knife that he let it slide across his skin again...

Nothing could have prepared Sirius for this. Nothing at all. So many emotions were whizzing around his head that he felt dizzy and slightly nauseas. He let the knife drop to the floor and stared at the opposite wall for several minutes. He let himself calm down before picking up the knife again, putting it away and stowing it away in his trouser pocket. _'For later'_ he told himself. Then he picked himself up from the cold floor and made his way other to the sink where he washed off the blood under the cold water. Looking up into the mirror above the sink, Sirius saw that he was pale and looked slightly ill. _'Oh well' _he thought _'Better get on with that homework'_

And so Sirius unlocked the door to the bathroom and remerged into the dormitory where he sat on his bed and finished his homework until the bell rang signalling the end of lunch.

Xoxox

Detention wasn't something Sirius enjoyed but seeing as he didn't have to face anyone whilst he did it, he didn't care how long each gruelling task took him. Today he had to scrub the bed-pans in the hospital wing without magic. Sirius thought that the job wasn't too bad, it was just he hated the hospital wing. Especially as this was where his friendship had ended with Remus only the day before. He endured though, telling himself that he deserved the pain he was being inflicted too. Another pain that was coursing through his body was the pain from where he had cut earlier that day. The material of his robes was scratching the wounds and it hurt like hell, but again Sirius told himself that he deserved it.

He needed something to numb the pain, something that could knock him out for several hours maybe. So after he had finished his detention, Sirius headed down to the kitchen to get himself some Firewhisky. He knew how to persuade the house elves to give him some and no sooner had he got down there, he had several bottles at hand. It was at that moment that Sirius realised he had missed dinner as well. He had been so caught up in finishing his homework that he hadn't realised everyone else gone down to eat, but then it struck him that he wasn't hungry anyway. So after many thanks to the elves, he made his way up to Gryffindor Tower with Firewhisky bottles hidden in his robes.

Once he got inside the now empty common room, he made his way to a corner and sat down in it, taking the first bottle out and unscrewing the top. Then putting his lips around the top of the bottle, he drank about half in one quick motion. The liquid burned his throat which was exactly what he wanted to happen. Almost immediately he felt slightly light headed. So he kept on drinking, erasing any of the memories of the last couple of days and drowning himself in the wonders of alcohol. On his fourth bottle, Sirius stopped for his took another swing of it. Putting a hand into his trouser pocket he felt the pocket knife. He could only vaguely remember why he had it in his pocket and took it out, examining it.

All at once memories of what he had done today flashed in front of his hazy mind. Emotions built up inside of him, filling every bone in his body. Opening the knife for the second time today he placed the bottle on the floor and yanked down his sleeve. There stood three red cuts, gleaming in the light made by the dying fire. Pressing the knife up to his skin he cut again and again, not knowing why he was doing it this time. Why did he have to stop? There was no one there to tell him to. A strangled sob escaped him and dropping the knife from his shaking hand he curled himself up in a tight ball and rocked himself crying and shaking.

It was only in the late hours of early morning (around 6am) did Sirius manage to get himself off the floor. It seemed the house elves had cleaned away the empty bottles which Sirius silently thanked them for. Groggily, he picked up the pen-knife, which was still on the floor and clenched it in his hand. Then slowly he made his way up to the dorm where he collapsed on his bed, too tired and hung over to do anything else. Turning his head towards Remus' shut curtains, Sirius sighed.

''I'm so sorry Rem.'' He muttered before falling asleep again, the pen-knife still clutched in his hand.

For four days the same routine took hold of Sirius: _Eat early but small breakfast, have lessons, cut, lessons, cut, study, drink, cry, sleep, eat, lessons, study, cut, cry, detention, cut..._

Nobody seemed to notice that he hid himself away. No one seemed to notice that he skipped meals or that he seemed to be getting paler. No one seemed to notice that he wore his robes with his sleeves rolled down even with the hot weather approaching. Nobody seemed to care that he was starting to rot away...

On the first occasion Sirius harmed he didn't cry...

On the second he did...

On the third he had no idea what he was doing...

On the fourth Remus nearly walked in on him...

After the fifth he was sure James had seen the red cuts on his arm...

No one seemed to care...

But then he did deserve it...

Didn't he?

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><p><strong>Longest fic I've ever done. Please don't flame, espesially about the subject at hand. It's extremely serious and so I would like it being taken seriously please.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the wait. So much had been going on and I also got writers block. Here's the second chapter. This is mainly James' POV but we go have Sirius' in there as well. I've decided on maybe two or three more chapters for this and hopefully they wont take as long as this one has. Enjoy xxx**

**Warning: Mention of self harm, swearing... think thats about it. **

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><p>It took three days for James to notice that Sirius was no longer coming to meals, or if he did it was to eat very little. He didn't know how he knew this (it wasn't like he watched his every move every five minutes), but he just knew. Perhaps it was to do with the fact that they had been the best of mates and knew almost everything about each other. James wasn't sure how he knew; he just did so he left it at that. He didn't know if anyone else had noticed, it wasn't like he cared anyway. If Sirius didn't come to meals then that was his own problem. Wasn't it?<p>

For the last five days James hadn't said anything to Sirius. He had hardly even looked at him. The disappointment and hatred that had started ever since he had found out what Sirius had done had not disappeared quickly. James had sided with Moony straight away and hadn't given a second thought on listening to Sirius' side of the story. He had hurt Moony and that was all James worried about. He would always be on Moony's side and would always try and help him in any way he could. He was a true friend after all.

Trust was something James valued a lot. The four Marauders had been based around their trust for each other but now...they were uneven and broken. All because someone didn't think of the consequences. What had Sirius been thinking when he had sent Snape to the Willow? What had been running through his mind when he had thought it would be funny? He had nearly gotten the Slytherin killed for Merlin's sake and although James did hate him, he would have never wanted him dead. Hadn't he thought what it would do to poor Remus? If he had attacked Snape then he would have been bloody executed. Was that what Sirius wanted? Was his true family position finally showing through?

He had always said that he was nothing like his family. He had always said that he was different. He had always_ proved_ that he was different apart from now. He had messed up and James had made sure he knew he had. James made sure that he felt bad for what he had done because it seemed he didn't understand how stupid he had been. Sirius was clever, like James was but he didn't have any common sense at all and that was really what got on his nerves. James was thankful Remus had come down hard on him because otherwise Sirius' wouldn't have thought it such a big deal when it clearly was. Yet he felt so sorry for Remus who had seemed like he was going to break down when he had told him what had happened. James had done his best to comfort his friend, but it wasn't a job he usually had to do.

At the moment James, Remus and Peter were sat down for dinner, chatting quietly to each other. The three remaining Marauders hadn't been their normal self's since they had lost Sirius but were slowly recuperating to this new hole in them. Because even though Sirius wasn't there and they were glad he wasn't...there was still a part missing from the group without him sitting with them.

James looked down the table to where Sirius was sitting alone, his fork prodding at the food like it had been doing for the last ten minutes. If he wasn't going to eat James really had no idea why he was in here. Dinner time was time to eat dinner and Sirius was clearly not going to eat anything any time soon. James wasn't sure if he was just looking for attention or not. It would be a very Sirius thing to do. The boy always seemed to have an audience but looking around there was not one single one of his fan girls around. He had heard that Sirius had shouted at a few yesterday to leave him alone and the whole entire female population of Hogwarts was now ignoring him and shooting him angry glares every time they set eyes on him. _'Serves him right'_ James thought although at that moment he did feel a pang in his chest. Something wasn't right about the whole situation and however hard he tried to resist the temptation; James wanted to know what was going on with his former friend.

Only the day before he had thought he had seen _something_ on Sirius' arm. He hadn't had enough time to look properly however as Sirius had yanked up his sleeve as fast as it had slipped down. He wouldn't forget the terror he had seen on his face though. James remembered Sirius had gone even paler than he had already been and had hurried off somewhere. Obviously there was something he was hiding. What it was James didn't know but he wanted to know. Really wanted to and he didn't know why.

James hadn't talked to Remus about Sirius so he didn't know if he had noticed anything strange about him either. He didn't have the courage to ask him because every time Sirius' name was mentioned, or any mention as simple as 'Black' made Remus tense up. So James had left that subject to the side knowing that it was an extremely delicate topic to the werewolf.

What was the first thing about it however, was the fact that Sirius had been so close to Moony before. There had always been a different type of friendship between the two from the friendship between him and Sirius or him and Remus. The two boys were extremely close to each other in everything they did. It was almost second nature to see Sirius practically on Remus' lap on the sofa as Remus read a book that he didn't even question it. That was until Sirius had told him that he had feelings for the werewolf. James hadn't been surprised, which was a shock to him but since then he had seen that it must be true. He had helped Sirius out a lot with his coming to terms with his new emotions and had come to the stage where he thought it would be best for Sirius to tell Moony how he felt. But now...everything was in a great big pile of shit and James knew Sirius would never say anything to Moony about his feelings.

He found himself staring at Sirius again and saw him still picking at his food. It seemed he had still not eaten anything from the last time James had looked at him. He saw him put his hand up to scratch the back of his neck and the sleeve of his robes come down. Again he saw those same red marks, but now there were more of them. A lot more. He couldn't place in his head what they were and he was too far away to see them clearly. He saw Sirius lock his gaze and saw the same terror in his eyes from yesterday. Then Sirius got his bag and made a dash to the door of the Great Hall. He was hiding something. Something big and James knew it was something bad.

Xoxox

Sirius ran. He didn't know why or what from, but he still ran. He was scared, hell he was terrified. He was sure James had seen what he had done to himself and twice! He felt so stupid and a deep hatred for himself had started to appear. No one could know. No one at all because if someone did know then they would make him stop and he didn't want to. He wanted to make sure he got as much punishment as possible. He deserved it after all.

He ended up in the boy's dormitory and collapsed on his bed. He couldn't do this anymore it was just too hard. He needed someone to talk to, someone to go to but he couldn't think of anyone. He had no friends at the moment that he could go to; the teachers were out of the question. He had no family...wait he did have family...he had Andromeda. Yet he was sure his cousin wouldn't be too happy if he went and told her what he had done. Or maybe...maybe she would help him through it. But did he really need help? He was coping fine with everything...wasn't he? It may not be the right thing he was doing but it helped to some extent and was certainly causing the pain he told himself he needed. He did need to talk to someone though. Someone who would care but would be too far away to do anything about it. His cousin would be the best bet...he hoped. So taking a spare bit of parchment from his bag and his favourite eagle feather quill, Sirius set about writing Andromeda a letter. However, Sirius found out that writing a letter about this was a lot harder than he first thought. He didn't know where to start or what to say. Finally however he had managed to think of some basic things to put and in defeat, told himself it would do for the time being.

_Dear Andie,_

_I know I don't usually write to you, but I need some advice or help. I recently did something extremely stupid (I'm sure Dumbledore told you about it) that ended up in me losing my friends. I know it's my fault and so you don't have to go on about that. It's just I'm not coping very well with it at the moment and I don't know what to do. _

_I'm finding this so hard to write this to you because I don't know what you will say and to be honest I'm scared. I just want you to not worry about me too much okay. Please don't, I'm really not worth it. _

_I...I keep...harming myself Andie and I'm scared because I can't stop and I know I don't deserve to. I'm scared people will see. I'm scared people will talk to me about it. I...I don't know what to do and I can't do this any longer. It's driving me crazy. I want to do it all the time and I just...I need my friends back but it's not like they're going to forgive me. I've lost them completely and it's my entire fault. I just feel like giving up sometimes. What's the point in carrying on when I've lost everything? You're the only person in the whole bloody world that cares about me and now I might even loose that. I don't even know if I'll gave the courage to send this too you. _

_I hope you, Ted and Nymmie are okay. I'm sorry I've brought this onto you. I really really am. _

_Sirius_

He knew he was going to find it hard to send it to her and decided on doing it in the morning to see if he felt better. In the mean time he just lay down on his bed, thinking about everything that had happened. It was his fault, which was obvious. Why did he have to be such a prick and tell Snape to go to the Whomping Willow? What was going through his mind when he did that? He really didn't have a bloody clue. He just wanted to curl up and forget about it all. He just wanted to close his eyes and let everything end because there was no use anymore. He wasn't useful. He wasn't needed. Not anymore and that broke Sirius into even more pieces than he had been already.

Sirius sighed and lifted up his arm, letting his robes fall. The dark red lines that scattered his pale skin were far deeper than he had remembered cutting them. Tracing his finger down a particular long one, he winced as momentary pain coursed through his body. They hurt like hell. He hurt like hell. There was nothing he could do to make himself feel better though. Running the knife across his arm helped for a moment but then all the pain and emotions came flooding back again, deeper and more meaningful than ever. Sirius was possessed to doing this and it felt like second nature to him. It shouldn't do though. He knew that. He knew he should stop but how? How could he stop when cutting himself away was the best option? The only option.

Shit, he wanted Moony so badly. He wanted to feel his warm, slightly thin frame next to his, caramel coloured hair brushing his face, his gentle breathing tickling his skin. Sirius needed Moony to make him feel better. He needed him by his side when his nightmare's got too hard to bear. He needed him there so he could cuddle up with him at night and feel safe. But he couldn't do any of that and it was his entire fault. His entire bloody fault. What the hell had he been thinking? Was he really just a heartless monster that didn't care about anyone?

Tears started to prick at the corner of his eyelids and Sirius blinked them away quickly. He couldn't cry now. He would just break down again like he had so many times in the last five days and breaking down would mean hurting himself again. It was always the same routine and so Sirius knew it off by heart. He rolled over on his side, feeling the knife that was still in his pocket press up to his leg; a constant reminder of what it was there for. Merlin he was messed up wasn't he.

Xoxox

After dinner James, Remus and Peter made their way up to the common room chatting and laughing at some random joke James had just told. He was glad to see Moony smiling, even if it was just a little bit. After everything that had happened, James felt happy that he could make his friend smile. It had been so hard to make even the corners of Remus' mouth turn from a frown into a slight smile for the last few days and James was sure he had sunk into a slight period of depression, obviously from losing Sirius as a friend. James felt sorry for Moony. He and Sirius had been close, everyone had known that and James had a sensation that Moony had feelings for their former friend just like Sirius had for Moony. He was too scared to talk to him about it though and so kept his mouth shut not wanting to darken his friend's happy mood.

Telling the password to the Fat Lady, they all climbed into the cosy common room and headed towards their favourite space in front of the fireplace. It was always unoccupied seeing as the Marauders always hexed anyone who sat in their seats. Everyone had decided to get some homework down and so telling his friends he would be back shortly, James headed up towards the dormitory. As he opened the door his gaze fell upon Sirius who was lying on his bed. Their eyes met for a second before James went up to get his bag off his bed, not saying anything to the other boy. He half expected to hear Sirius start talking to him but the ebony haired boy didn't say a word. James continued not to look at him as his looked through his bag for his half completed Transfiguration essay. Once he had found it, he started to head out of the dormitory just as Sirius spoke to him.

''Tell Moony I'm sorry.'' Came a small voice that James would never has associated with Sirius if he hadn't of been the only other person in the room. James turned on his heel and glared at the pathetic looking figure who had sat up on his bed.

''And why should I do that for you? You've already said you're sorry. There's nothing else you can do and anyway I don't think you should have the privilege to call Remus Moony.'' James said his eyes narrowing. He half expected Sirius to start shouting at him but he just sighed and looked down at the floor.

Sirius knew he should give up. Moony wasn't going to forgive him anytime soon. Hell, Moony was never going to forgive him and once he found out was Sirius had been doing to himself...well he was sure he would lose his best friend forever. ''All I'm doing is asking you for a favour. I'm not trying to get him to forgive me...or you for that matter. I just want you to tell him I'm sorry.''

James was getting annoyed now. Why could Sirius understand that Moony wasn't going to accept his apology. ''For Merlin's sake Sirius there is nothing you can say or do that will get Moony to forgive you. Apologies are no good anymore when will you understand that? You've messed up and you've got to bloody learn that you have. If you love Moony so much why don't you leave him alone and let him get on with his own life. You ruin everything for him Sirius. That's not the attitude of someone who loves their friend.'' James was past annoyed and on the verge of angry and he didn't know why. Every emotion he had felt in the last week was bubbling up inside of him waiting to burst.

Sirius' blood was boiling by this point. James had no right to say that to him. Standing up, he took two strides towards the bespectacled boy and punched him in the face. ''Fuck you Potter. You have no right to say any of that. You don't know anything that's going on. I want you to apologies for me to Moony for far more than what happened. You have no fucking idea what you've made me do. You have no fucking idea that I hate myself. Because I do, I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for even thinking of the idea.'' At this point Sirius didn't know if he was talking about the incident or the harming. ''Have you ever considered that all of this would be hard for me to? No of course you bloody haven't because you don't fucking care about me do you. Its all 'oh I hope Moony is okay' and never 'I wonder how Sirius is doing' because NOBODY FUCKING CARES.''

Barging past James who had a bloody nose and a shocked expression on his face, Sirius hurried out of the dormitory, through the crowded common room and out of the portrait hole. It was only then did he realise he had tears in his eyes again. ''Not now, for fucks sake there is no point in crying.'' He shouted to himself before punching the nearest wall. He had just shouted at his 'best friend' and punched him; two things he hadn't planned to do at all. Sirius needed to calm down and maybe have a walk somewhere nice and quiet so he could do what he needed to do. However, just as he was about to set off he heard the portrait hole open and looked around to see Lily stepping out.

''What do you want Evans? Make it quick I need to go somewhere. '' he half growled. He didn't have the heart to be angry at Lily though. She hadn't done anything wrong and to think about it James hadn't either.

Lily ignored Sirius' tone of voice as she closed up the portrait. She could see the hurt in his face and the tears in his eyes. She felt sorry for him, something that was new to her altogether. She had seen how distant he had become and had started to worry about him. It seemed like no one else was going to do anything so she had thought it would be best to see if she could help in any way. ''I just want to see if you're okay. I've seen how withdrawn you've been lately and frankly I'm worried about you Sirius. I know what happened with Severus and I just want to say that I'm not going to 100% blame you for it. It was his fault as well. I'm not going to lecture you about it either because by the sounds of it you've had enough of that from James. If you ever need to talk to someone you can come to me. I can see there's a lot you're hiding. Am I right.''

Shocked, Sirius nodded. He would never know how she did that; being spot on with the answer and for a moment he respected her highly. He hadn't expected anyone to realise something was wrong. Standing their awkwardly, Sirius' mind started to race. Could he tell her about...about it? Could he trust her not to tell anyone? The answer was yes. If she had given her time to make sure he was alright then yes she could be trusted. ''Can we...take a walk?'' He asked. Seeing her nod, the both set off in silence through the castle, side by side. After around ten minutes of silence Sirius spoke.

''Can I tell you something you promise to keep a secret?''

Lily knew whatever Sirius was about to tell her would be important and something he hadn't probably told anyone else. So she nodded wanting to be a bit of help to the boy. It shocked her however as she saw Sirius roll up his sleeve of his left arm. There were so many cuts...some shallow other very deep. There was no way he could have done them all himself. They had both stopped by now, Lily staring at the red crisscrossing lines. One very deep one had been extremely close to his vein. ''Well I've made up my mind in not letting you go to that place you said you needed to go. Instead I'm going to keep you talking as much as possible even if it's about a completely different subject.'' She said looking up into his dreary grey eyes and smiling. She would never judge him on what he had done but was afraid other people might.

Sirius never expected Lily to be that understanding and for the second time that evening stood there completely shocked. ''Th...thank you Lily...for understanding a...and not hating me for it.'' He said as he rolled up his sleeve again. ''I have detention tonight though so...''

He was cut off by Lily. ''I'll cover for you. Say you weren't feeling too well or something. McGonagall has noticed something's up so she'll believe me. Don't worry. Now let's go and find somewhere we can talk without being overheard.'' She said and they started off again. Once they found a deserted classroom, Lily just sat and listened and comforted Sirius as he told her the whole entire story. She felt a pang of sadness but also of anger making a mental note to talk to James later...rather loudly as well but with Sirius well out of ear-shot.

''Can I trust you not to do anything tonight?'' She asked him, her emerald eyes full of pleading. She hated that he was doing this to himself and hoped him being able to talk to someone had helped him...for tonight at least.

Sirius knew it was going to be a struggle but nodded all the same. He would try and survive one night, just for Lily. Just to show her he could do it. ''Yeah you can trust me. Don't you worry.'' He said giving her a small smile. ''Thank you for this Lily. It's helped tremendously.''

''It's okay Sirius, I'm always here to help. We'd better get back to the common room before curfew starts you know. You know what Filch is like.'' She said grinning and picking herself up from the floor they had resided on. They headed back to Gryffindor tower in a much more comfortable silence than before. As they entered the common room, Sirius bid farewell to Lily, thanking her once more before heading up to the dorm.

That night was far much better than the others had been but it was not perfect. After he had gone to bed he had heard the other Marauders come up and was thankful that his curtains were closed. James had no trouble in speaking rather loudly about him but for once Sirius didn't care. He fell asleep just before he heard Remus whisper goodnight to him.

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><p><strong>Love the little SiriusLily moment. Lily is awesome their is no doubt about that. **


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